i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
my poor anus
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
