Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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