My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I cannot find my penis.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
