I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
