Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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