I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
