I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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