shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize