Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize