Someone shit on the floor
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
