So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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