I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
