if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
