Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
