remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
