make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize