Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
