the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
