and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
