lets start a swedish sibling band together
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
