Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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