Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i would punch a child for taco bell
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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