I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I deserve this hangover.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
