i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize