i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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