i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
