I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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