You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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