I'm jealous of your bromance
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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