Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
