Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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