Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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