??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
