i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
