You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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