Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize