i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
