dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
