so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
