He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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