Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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