I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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