I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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