i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
