remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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