i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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