Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
