I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize