now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
