Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
