He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
