I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
