Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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