Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
