Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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