I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
