if you like me you must not know who I am
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
