Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
