I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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