At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
