He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
