the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
