Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
