maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
