The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
