I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Randomize
