My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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