If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
