One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
