yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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