There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
