I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
