Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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