I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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